


letting go

by chocolatebrownie



Category: My Two First Loves (Visual Novel)
Genre: Falling Out of Love, Getting Together, M/M, Making Out, Screen Reader Friendly, discussions of polyamory, we all hate mason's dad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-13 20:53:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28534707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocolatebrownie/pseuds/chocolatebrownie
Summary: Noah realises and accepts his feelings for Mason.
Relationships: Bad Boy/Childhood Crush (My Two First Loves), Mason Jennings/Noah Harris
Comments: 14
Kudos: 27





	letting go

**Author's Note:**

> Set after chapter 91!
> 
> (Where MC and Friends manage to convince the Board to investigate Jennings, and she realises that she needs to decide in time for prom.)
> 
> I originally wrote this in present tense and changed it to past at the last minute, so there may be some errors. Please point them out if you notice any and I'll correct them.
> 
> Thank you to u/Left-Lifeguard31 and u/TyrilStarfuryIsMyBAE on Reddit for their feedback and advice!

Noah couldn't sleep, tossing and turning in the darkness, something unfamiliar gnawing in his gut. He'd had a long day, and his body ached with exhaustion. They had managed to convince the School Board to further investigate Jennings, but the fight wasn't over yet. Frankly, he should have fallen asleep long ago.

But Noah couldn't help replaying the events of the past few days. If he'd thought anyone would engross his daydreams, it would be Emma. Instead, he recalled how his heart raced at the broad, beaming smile Mason had given him when he'd remembered Mason's jersey number. How he had opened up to Mason and the way his touch after sent electricity arcing up his arm. The crushing disappointment when Mason had been grounded and banned from seeing anyone, including Noah. The way heat had flooded his veins when Emma had implied that Mason would want to see him when they went his house to get him out. Even further back in freshman year, when they'd been best friends and he couldn't keep his eyes off of Mason during football practice.

(He had convinced himself that he was only staring at Mason to learn, to get better. He had been on the team longer, after all. But he often found himself tearing his eyes away from strong shoulders and muscled thighs.)

He lay there, staring at the ceiling. He considered the way he saw Mason look at Emma, with a certain love in his gaze, and felt a churning in his gut. He thought he looked at her the same way, but then at that moment, he couldn't be sure. Trying to calm the emotions welling up in him, he closed his eyes and willed sleep to come, reluctant to dwell on his thoughts.

As the moon climbed higher in the sky, Noah's exhaustion took over, and he finally fell asleep to brown eyes that turn to gold in the sunlight.

* * *

The next day at school, Emma bounded up to him. "Noah," she greeted, moving in for a kiss. Noah instinctively leaned down to meet her, but at the last second, turned his face, and her lips brushed his cheek. She leaned back in confusion, about to ask him what's wrong, but she could see that he was distracted.

"Noah," she repeated and he jerked back to reality.

"Oh sorry, I was just thinking about the homework due today," he lied, "I guess won't have to worry about it much longer if the Board changes their mind and decides to expel me instead." He forced a smile.

She frowned at the tasteless joke and opened her mouth to chastise him. His eyes flickered over her shoulder, back to the solid, blue sweater-clad back that caught his attention earlier as they headed to their first lesson. Emma stopped to say hello to Mason by his locker, and Noah observed that look again: the one of open love Mason couldn't hide every time he looked at her, and felt a sudden resentment coiling in him. _I want to drag her away from him._

The thought comes unbidden, startling him; he normally doesn't consider himself a possessive person—he always insisted Emma make her own decisions. And besides, he thought he loved her. He did love her. And even though she was caught up with two others, he knew she loved him. She promised him that; he shouldn't have had a reason to worry about it.

But looking at them talking, watching his mouth curve as he smiled at her, Noah couldn't identify why his stomach twisted and nausea climbed up his throat.

He started as Emma wrapped an arm around his and peered up at him. He glanced up, but Mason had left. "Are you sure everything's okay? If it's about Principal Jennings, I'm sure the Board will find everything they need to send him away for a long time."

He continued making his way to class. "Everything's fine," he repeated.

* * *

When Noah felt stressed, he went for a ride on his bike. Out on the open road without his helmet, the wind in his hair, the purring of the engine under him, it helped him think. To centre himself. And sometimes, to forget.

After school, he headed towards the parking lot to do exactly that. He straddled his bike and was about to draw on his helmet when he heard a familiar voice calling his name that made him pause.

Mason. Running up to him.

"Hey," he said, breathless from the exertion.

"Hey," Noah responded, looking at him expectantly.

Mason pulled on the straps of his backpack. "I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing."

"I—" Noah framed his answer carefully. "I just want to see Jennings go down for good."

"Me too," Mason said, "I know he's my dad, but he doesn't feel like it sometimes."

Noah knew this all too well.

Mason glanced at the flame-red motorcycle. "You going home?"

"No, just on a drive somewhere."

"Oh." Mason's face fell in a vaguely disappointed expression.

"You can come with me if you want." The words slipped out before Noah could think about them, startling him.

Mason stared at him and then at the bike, a slight blush forming on his warm brown skin. "You want me to sit behind you on _that_?"

Noah felt his cheeks heat. What had he been thinking? He knew what it would look like, especially with the fact that Emma was the only one who had ever ridden with him.

"You don't have to," Noah started to say, "I wasn't thinking—"

Mason's eyes were still trained on the bike. "I've never ridden on a motorcycle before."

"Yeah, you're too much of a goody-two-shoes," Noah smirked, trying to get his heart rate under control.

"I'm not!"

"Prove it." Noah tilted his head in challenge. Mason met his gaze, and something sparked between them, startling Noah. Mason opened his mouth to respond when a voice interrupted him.

It was Emma. Irritation flooded Noah and he clenched his fingers on his helmet. _He_ was talking to Mason! Emma already spoke to him frequently!

She approached them, greeted Noah and turned to Mason. He pursed his lips and tuned them out, fingers drumming on his helmet, until a warm hand on his arm brought him back.

Noah turned, meeting warm brown eyes. "Emma wanted to study together later," Mason said. Noah nodded in understanding, surprised at the disappointment welling up in him. "But I told her I'm going somewhere with you," he continued.

Noah's eyes widened in surprise. "Really?"

"Yeah," he said as he climbed on, "but I'm telling you right now, I'm not holding onto you." Noah thought he saw Mason's gaze linger on his thighs, but deciding that was ridiculous, pushed the idea out of his head. 

"I don't expect you to." Noah's tone betrayed amusement as he handed Mason the spare helmet and put on his own.

Noah veered out of the school premises and onto the highway leading out of the city. The vehicles at that time of the day were few and far between and so Noah tugged his helmet off with one hand, passing it to Mason sitting behind him.

He revelled in the feel of the wind on his face, messing up his dark hair. He exhaled in elation, tilting his face up to the afternoon sky. He had missed this.

Noah felt movement behind him, and then arms were wrapping around his waist, a head resting on his back. He forced himself to relax. _It's just Mason_ , he reminded himself.

A while later, Noah parked at a rest stop to refuel. Mason slid off the bike and he looked at him expectantly, planning to blame his flush on the wind and adrenaline if asked. "So, how was it?"

Mason pulled off the helmet, grinning at him in exhilaration. Noah's stomach fluttered as he took in Mason's helmet-tousled hair, coloured cheeks and glittering eyes. He looked... otherworldly. Noah moved his gaze to the ground, unable to meet the intensity on his face head-on.

"That was incredible," Mason breathed.

"Yeah?" Noah smirked to cover up his racing heart. "You can experience it all again on the way back."

On the drive home, when Mason held on to him again, Noah made sure to lean into it.

* * *

Noah dropped Mason off at his house.

"Hey" —Mason handed the helmet back—"Want to meet up and practise football? It'll be just like the good old days."

"Sure." Noah's pulse quickened at the thought of being alone with Mason, seeing him in his football get-up again. _It's just my friend_ , he told himself. _Why am I feeling this way?_ "How about next Friday?"

"Works for me. I'll see you on the pitch after school."

"The school pitch?" Noah asked. "Are we allowed to be there after hours without having practice?"

"I'm the principal's kid," Mason said with a broad smile, "I have to have _some_ privileges."

He waved goodbye and headed inside, and Noah watched him leave.

* * *

"You're in jeans," Mason said.

Noah crossed the grass-covered pitch to meet Mason in the middle. They were the only ones on campus; no one would stay behind in school on a Friday evening. The grass was still damp from an early-morning rain.

He raised an eyebrow. "Was I supposed to dress up?"

"You could have worn sweatpants like me, at least." Mason gestured to himself.

"It's fine, we're just throwing a ball around."

"If you say so. I promise to go easy on you." Mason bared his teeth in a grin.

With a pang, Noah realised just how much he had missed this. Their easy banter and friendship, football practice together, just _Mason_. He regarded him in the late afternoon light. The sun lit up his features, accentuating his sharp cheekbones, and formed a halo around his head. Mason seemed to be glowing, and Noah's stomach flipped.

"I'd like to see you try, Jennings," he managed to quip back.

They threw the ball around for a while until Mason stopped, holding the ball. Noah looked at him in confusion, waiting expectantly, but he didn't move.

"What are you doing?" Noah asked.

"Come and get the ball from me," Mason called.

"I thought we weren't going to practice tackling."

"It isn't tackling," Mason floundered, "just taking the ball."

Noah sighed and strode across the grass towards Mason. He saw a smile on Mason's face as he got closer, and reached out to take the ball. Mason spun to the side and lifted it out of his reach.

"Seriously?" Noah asked, not unkindly, as he started to regret wearing jeans; he could barely move in them. Mason just grinned in response. He couldn't even find it infuriating.

Noah stepped forward, and promptly slipped on the damp grass. He glimpsed Mason's eyes widening as he flailed, grabbing Mason's shirt for balance. Being unprepared, Mason dropped the ball and they tumbled to the ground together.

Noah let out a grunt as his back hit the ground, a heavy weight landing on top of him. He blinked and stiffened instantly as he saw Mason's face staring back at his, registering the proximity they're in. Their faces were so close that they were practically breathing the same air.

Time appeared to stand still as Mason didn't shift to move away. This close up, he saw more of Mason: the strong line of his jaw and the curve of his lips. Noah let his eyes close and unconsciously thought about how they would feel on his own; whether they would be soft and insistent, or harsh and demanding. If he just leaned in more—

And then Mason snapped out of it, jerking back so suddenly that he landed on his back. Noah's eyes flew open and he flushed with shame: both at his thoughts and about what just happened. Mason scrambled to his feet, apologising. Noah propped himself up on his elbows, dazed. He opened his mouth to try to reassure Mason, but his neurons weren't firing, and nothing came out.

Mason drew out his phone and glanced at the screen. "I have a study session with Emma now, I should go."

 _Of course_ , Noah thought. _Emma. She comes first for him. Always._

Noah didn't want to see things that weren't there, and maybe later, he would chalk it up to his brain not functioning properly, but now he thought he could sense... regret in Mason's tone. He couldn't ruminate on it though, as Mason turned and walked away without another word.

* * *

They continued this routine, of meeting every Friday to play. Sometimes they actually practised, and other times they sat on the grass and talked. It reminded Noah with a sting, of freshman year, of how close they were.

_"I don't think I'm ready to welcome you back with open arms," Mason had said. "Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but... someday."_

One evening, they were sitting—or rather, Mason was sitting and Noah was lying on his back, staring at the slowly darkening sky. They'd stayed out much longer than usual, and the bit of setting sun that they could see was covered by rain clouds.

Prom was inching closer, and Emma still hadn't made her decision yet. Noah had come to accept it and found himself oddly indifferent of the situation. Emma was spending more and more time with Ava, and Mason was recounting when he had seen them together that day.

Noah opened his to mouth to interrupt but a loud notification beep cut him off. Mason pulled out his phone, checked the screen, and froze in shock.

"What is it?" Noah asked lazily.

"My mom texted me. It's... about my dad," Mason said, voice shaking slightly. Noah's eyes flew open and he regarded Mason. "He's being charged and facing prison time for the things he did."

"Mason... I—" Noah broke off, hesitant. What did one say in this situation? He didn't like Jennings very much, but he didn't want Mason to be without a dad. He knew what it would be like firsthand, and he wouldn't wish that one anyone, especially his best friend.

"It's alright, you don't have to say anything." Mason's face was stony, tone cold as he stared off into the distance.

Noah ached to comfort him. To say something, anything that would remove the tension from his shoulders and the curve of his mouth, and replace it with a smile. "He wasn't a very good dad," he said at last.

He instantly knew that it was the wrong thing to say; Mason's posture didn't relax but stiffened further. "He is still my family, Noah."

Noah went silent. After a while, Mason spoke:

"He wasn't always like this. When I was a kid, when we still lived next to Emma, we had a treehouse in our backyard. Emma used to come over sometimes, and we used to spend the night there, just hanging out, watching the stars. Once when I was climbing down from the treehouse to get snacks from inside, I slipped and fell." Mason laughed hollowly. "My dad was the only one home, he heard my scream and came running. I wasn't very hurt—it wasn't a long fall—but he ran all the same."

"I know you might be thinking, 'he's your father, of course he's going to come', but I remember that look on his face when he saw me," Mason continued, "He was terrified. As if anything happening to me would be the worst thing he could imagine. I knew what love was then, and I thought—I believed—that his was unconditional. I was wrong—and I don't even know what I did to make it that way."

Noah was sitting up then, a hand on Mason's arm. It was getting colder, but the warmth radiating from him was enough to ward it off. "Mason," he said, voice soft, "it wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything to make him love you less."

All his strength seemed to leave him, and he sagged against Noah. They had embraced, even seen each other half-naked, but this felt strangely intimate in a way they hadn't experienced before. Like unconsciously crossing a line into new territory. Noah wrapped an arm around him, inhaling the scent of his shampoo, heartbeat quickening at the proximity. He ran a hand through Mason's hair, feeling the soft strands around his fingers. Mason's breath hitched, and Noah froze, sure he'd done something wrong, sure that somehow Mason knew.

But then Mason turned around, and he was staring into brown eyes. He saw something change on his face, then Mason's hand reached out and before Noah could understand what was happening, drew him in.

The kiss was harsh, bruising, and not perfect by any means—it felt like a culmination of all of the years of pain and love and betrayal. Their teeth clashed, Mason wound his hands into Noah's hair and pulled. Noah sat stock-still, too startled to respond, but a particularly harsh tug seemed to unlock something in his chest, seemed to break a wall around his heart that had prevented him from knowing who he really was. 

_Oh,_ he thought. 

That realisation spurred him into motion, and he leaned into the kiss. Tilted his head, deepening it, resting a hand on Mason's neck to draw him impossibly closer. Noah felt like he had taken a deep gulp of oxygen, that he was really breathing after a long while. He didn't hold back, pushed as much as Mason did, bit his lip causing Mason to let out a gasp.

Above them, the dark clouds broke and water droplets began raining down on their heads. The sudden chill of the raindrops on Noah's neck shocked him enough to lurch back. Mason gaped at him, dazed. _"What the hell are we doing?"_

"We can figure it out later." Noah wasn't thinking, his heart hammering wildly in his chest. He just knew that he wanted Mason's hands in his hair, Mason's mouth on his own.

He pulled him in for a much gentler kiss and their hands started roaming. Mason wrenched Noah's head back, biting down on his neck. He let out a gasp in turn as Noah's hands slipped under his shirt, tracing his toned back.

They were both uncomfortably turned on, and they knew it. It was all new to Noah, kissing a man's mouth instead of a woman's, feeling hard muscles instead of soft curves under his hands. Something heady built up in him, something he thought that had always been there.

And when Mason's hands reached down to linger at Noah's waistline to slip under his jeans, when he leaned back with kiss-swollen lips and mussed hair, a questioning look in his eyes, Noah realised the situation they were in: soaked with rain, on the muddy football pitch, and in public no less.

He drew back and shook his head, and Mason understood. They exchanged another kiss: a soft brush of lips, and then Mason broke away to rest his head on Noah's shoulder, and Noah just... Noah held him tightly, cursed Principal Jennings, and promised himself that if Mason got hurt again, it won't be because of him.

They sat there for how long Noah couldn't tell. For as much time as Mason needed. Until the rain slowed to a drizzle and the sun dipped lower in the horizon. Eventually, Mason drew away and stood, holding an arm out to help Noah up.

They stared at each other in the dim light of the dark rain clouds and setting sun. Mason's face was unreadable, and Noah couldn't even guess what his own expression said. He watched a raindrop run down his cheek. He saw a freckle under his left eye and wondered how he hadn't noticed it before.

Mason broke the silence as he glanced at the night sky, as if he hadn't noticed how long it had been. His voice was low. "I have to get home."

"Me too," Noah said, hoping his voice didn't betray his disappointment. He didn't know what he expected would happen next; Mason surely wouldn't fall in love with him. Not after everything. Especially not if he only liked girls. Then again, _he_ had thought he liked only girls. Apparently not.

They walked to the parking lot in silence. Mason reached out and hesitantly slid his hand into Noah's. Noah tried to hide his surprise, and squeezed back, hoping his smile wasn't visible. When they reached Mason's car, Noah tentatively pressed his lips to Mason's forehead.

"I don't know how to be without a dad," Mason said, voice quiet in the darkness.

* * *

Mason didn't text him over the weekend, and Noah made no move to do so either. The kiss had brought up emotions he had forgotten he had once felt. He had learned the feeling of jealousy, felt it burning within him whenever he saw Mason and Emma together, laughing. But... he recalled feeling the same burn whenever he saw Mason and _Ava_ together. The memories took a while to surface, for he had buried them, but he was sure. Noah had missed out on regular school when he was in juvie, but he knew the common denominator in both of these experiences: _Mason_. And instantly, everything had made sense.

On Monday, he avoided the hallway with Mason's locker. He steered clear of Emma too, not sure he could bear seeing her.

"Noah!" He stopped dead, and then began to shove his books from his locker into his bag much quicker. He cursed under his breath; he should've been faster. He should've waited until lunchtime when everybody would be in the lunchroom. But maybe, a small part of him wanted Mason to find him. To kiss him again.

Mason approached him, but Noah stuffed more books in his backpack, pretending to look busy. Mason glanced down at the backpack and said, "We need to talk."

"No, we don't," Noah responded and crammed in his Biology textbook, telling himself that he needs to study for the test in three weeks.

"Noah, please."

All of a sudden, he hated it. Hated the way his name rolled off Mason's tongue, the way it made his insides turn to mush, hated the way it made his pulse quicken. He hated caring for someone in such a way that it made his feelings for Emma pale in comparison.

As much as he had tried to, he couldn't stop replaying the events of Friday evening over the weekend. He had wanted it, more than he had wanted Emma, even though it probably was just cathartic for Mason—a way to release the tension between them. And now he hated that he had let himself fall for someone too busy in love with someone else to return his affections.

Noah looked up to see those warm brown eyes again, the same ones he stared into two days ago, the same lips that he kissed. He raised his hand unconsciously, fingers brushing over the still-healing bruise on his neck, and he couldn't deny Mason again.

Mason pulled him into an empty classroom and locked the door.

"What—" Noah began and then Mason was pinning him against the wall, bringing his face up to his. "No, stop."

Mason paused, and then moved back, tilting his head and crossing his arms. "I thought you wanted this."

"I do," Noah said, "Do you?" He had no idea why he stopped it. Mason was here, touching, willing. He should be leaning down to meet his lips, leaving a mark on his neck identical to his own, taking whatever Mason was ready to give him, however little it may be. But instead, he sagged back against the wall and scrubbed a hand down his face as he waited for Mason's response.

It was quick. "Of course I do! I wouldn't have brought you here if I didn't!"

"But how? I didn't think you liked me that way. Especially with everything with Emma..."

Mason sighed, nervously starting to drum his fingers. "Remember when I told you I wasn't ready to welcome you back with open arms?"

Noah did remember. He recalled sitting in the igloo with Mason after opening up, splitting the candy bar and really _talking_ for the first time in a long time. He nodded in response.

"Well... after that, I realised that I did. I had already forgiven you and our talk helped me realise that. I didn't want to lose you as a friend." He met Noah's eyes. "And recently, I didn't—I _don't_ —want to lose you as something else either."

Noah exhaled deeply. "This... this is a lot to take in."

"I know, take all the time you need." He paused. "I think I was pretending with Ava too. She wasn't putting everything into our relationship, and I wasn't either. I assumed it was because of what I felt for Emma." His voice turned uncharacteristically apprehensive. "But it was because of what I felt for you too."

Noahs looked at him, disbelieving. Mason hesitated, before asking: "What about you?"

"What do you mean?"

Mason gestured with his hands. "When did you notice?"

"I don't know," Noah said, "I think, deep inside, I always knew."

Mason's mouth dropped open, eyebrows shooting up. "During freshman year?"

Noah nodded.

Mason reached to take Noah's hand. "So you do want this, just let yourself have it."

And he did, closed his eyes and let himself go, let himself fall into the kiss. Felt the gentle brush of Mason's hair against his temple, the slide of his mouth on his own.

Later, when they were holding hands and sitting side-by-side, Mason broke the silence.

 _Again_ , Noah thought.

"I was doing some thinking over the weekend."

"Oh?" Noah said, "I didn't know you were capable of it."

"Shut up." Mason laughed and shoved him gently. Noah grinned, turning to look at Mason, whose expression turned serious all of a sudden.

"I still love her," Mason said.

Of course Noah knew exactly who he was talking about, and something hurt in his chest. _What did I expect?_ he scolded himself. "I know," he responded. He wanted to say it too, but it would be a lie.

"But"—Mason glanced down at their intertwined hands—"I think I can grow to love one more person at the same time."

Noah's heart soared and he allowed himself to smile. "Really?"

Mason smiled back and it lit up his whole face. "Really."

Noah looked at Mason properly, trailed his gaze from the way Mason's hair flopped on his forehead to the line of his jaw, memorising every single detail. "Kiss me again," he said, his voice breathy.

Mason did.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Please leave a comment :)


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